Read the Gross Toga party invitations from a Cornell U track team.
It is common knowledge that Cornell University – the Ivy of Ithaca – is the most douchie university in America. But how does this softness manifest itself? The toga party invitations sent out each year by one of Cornell’s sports teams shed light on this question!
A helpful tipster sent us copies of emails about the team’s 2009 and 2010 gowns; the holiday of 2011, writes our source, is “likely” to come in the next few weeks, and will require another long invitation. For now, we have to be content with these payments from the past. They’re long, colorful, and written, just like any awesome party invitation should be.
Here is the email from 2009. It’s quite heavy in ellipses, which makes it feel like a “word salad”:
It’s that time of year again when we get to be Zeus and Athena .. (Athena = [redacted]) … and get ready to expose the pink palace aka ([redacted] for assholes). 9 p.m. Saturday September 5 the REAR DOOR opens. If any of you motherfuckers even tries to get through the front, I will personally put our wild tiger … on your sorry asses. For the rules regarding this shindig, see the email sent by the legendary [redacted] below. The first year class is looking good this year so I’m expecting at least 7 girls per guy, even you [redacted], like [redacted] once said .. “So you’re going to have some cock with your buddies.” Outfit = Toga, No Tog = No entry. People without gowns last year who tried to enter the party were thrown into a car by yours truly, [redacted]… don’t mess around … or you’ll be cut … try me. It’s the most outrageous party of the year, not only will you see [redacted] fucking graduate students, but you can even see [redacted] getting his cock wet .. as well as [redacted] dance at S Club Seven, [redacted] enter holes where no man has gone before, [redacted] make love to her super ginormous bag (alone), [redacted] being himself (enough said), and if you’re LUCKY you might see the legendary … the myth …[RE…] “the only semester” [… DACTED]. If you don’t come, you’re cut off … but seriously.
Kiss my ass,
Then comes this rambling part – an apparent “translation” into Spanish by a member of the team of Mexican origin:
Hola chingaderos !!!! that means hello assholes … in mexican i thought i would be nice to translate it for you guys because i know we don’t have too many mexicans here in ithaca … we appreciate their substitutes more sophisticated immigrants, the Canadians! Ehhhhhh !! Anyway, it is my duty and my honor to inform your donkeys that the Batcave is organizing a Toga party on Saturday night. You may be wondering “what is the batcave?” Or maybe you were even smart enough to skip that question and, more importantly, ask “where’s the batcave?” And if you’ve asked either of those two questions, I’m going to suggest you close it, because it’s pretty obvious that you have a third chromosome 21 … and that means you have Downs.
hahahahahaha, j / k 143. love you all, (I don’t wanna look like a queer or anything but fucking unicorns) so let me shine a little light on your butt. The batcave is a house. It’s a pretty place where flowers grow and women flock like capistrano salmon … and most of them have really cute tits. It is located at [redacted] and I’m pretty sure it’s sick like my NUTS. okay, so you have the basics, but there are rules. these rules are analogous to gravity and [redacted]testicles in that you can’t break them … but if you somehow manage to do that, we’ll tear the hair out of your scrotum and do [redacted]the cat pisses in your mouth
And now, the official team party rules:
# 1 no shot of cum in people’s faces … unless it’s a hot girl
# 2 there will be beer, it’s up to you to drink, so you can be happy. it’s also been chemically engineered to increase your chances of pooping if you feed girls beer
# 3 Dress in a gown. I know it can be difficult at first, but give yourself 30 minutes to figure it out, put your heads together and do your best. drink something, watch online directions, drink something else, and have a hot chic to “help” wrap a sheet around your body. the worst comes the worst, pull out the sheet a little, go to the batcave, and I’ll show you exactly how to do it. My name is [redacted], and I kick my ass to make gowns.
# 4 THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: Every freshman must bring 5 girls, ladies, girlfriends, whatever you want to call them. If they have enlarged mammary glands and no ween, that’s basically what we’re looking for. this is important because number one, I like breasts. my name is [redacted] i really like the breasts. number two, freshmen, you are the connection to the new world. guys who no longer live up north can no longer understand what the new class has to offer so you have to be our eyes and ears … i mean grab what you need by all means, c is your class that you take first, but that’s why I’m asking you to bring 5 now, right. number three, like I said before the coach [redacted] brought you here to be goalscorers. Think about all the hard work he put into recruiting you … wouldn’t it be terrible to disappoint the coach? we must take advantage of every opportunity to score !!! number four, [our] parties are fucking sic, and not gay, as most fraternity roosters parties are gay … not all, most. The [team] knows how to go wild and shit and have a really good time, and we need to let all these ladies know about it. Cause I’m not kidding you bring girls to one [team] party and they will constantly ask you when the next one is. There’s a bunch of girls who are my year, 06, who when I tell them a [party] happens, they instantly say I’ll be there no matter what happens that night. this is not an exaggeration. and you know why it is? because the class of 06 in the first year brought its quota of 5 girls to the first [parties], take care of business, put money in the bank, which can be withdrawn in the form of Punani dollars … Mash the P’s Boys.
# 5 no incest … thank you [redacted]
# 6 If you eat a girl that night, at some point you have to stop, look up, and with an Australian accent say, “Now that’s what I call a vagina!”
# 7 anyone who stabs the guy who stole [redacted]The iPod will be financially rewarded by an anonymous benefactor, and if you see someone stealing an iPod or hear the music stop, stab the abuser,
ok i think it’s gonna do doooooo dooooo. we will start playing drinking games at 9am, maybe a bit later so if you want to go downstairs and have a good time then do that. and if you could throw me like $ 4 to myself or one of the guys that live in the batcave [redacted] to help with the burden of buying beer. and if you really need a ride because ladies you are with a vagina then give us a call. my number is [redacted] i would like you to meet my baby’s mom, oprah
Now for email 2010; note the use of Jersey Shore terminology:
It’s time for the annual toga party, motherfucker game time. This Saturday, September 11, the boys of [redacted] will open the doors to what we know to be the fattest toga night of all time. What is bold you will ask me? outraged [redacted] and [redacted]dance steps or [redacted]jerry’s fat curls, real fat can only be explored by taking a trip to Club Paradise on Saturday and witnessing it all for yourself. The toga night has become legendary as the girls team apparently want to lose their dignity … and guys I hope you’re happy to oblige (you’ll have to hurry if you want to beat [redacted] to really drunk). On that note don’t be afraid to ask [redacted] about a few great places to take these girls (besides the semen infested basement couches) he knows the place well and I know he will be happy to explain where to have the show. It should be an event like [redacted] is trying to extend his freshman streak to 5 consecutive years, and who knows, you might even see [redacted]is infamous a nut. Two points to whoever can get [redacted] touching a girl for the first time in her college career or getting [redacted] lose her virginity (no [redacted] the [redacted] history does not count). And a point to the one who clings [redacted] with someone other than his ex. Fifty if he gets his asshole eaten out. No girl is forbidden – daughters of the team, daughters of mothers of teams, daughters of sisters of teams ([redacted]), the coach’s daughters ([redacted]), or even a nice butch girl ([redacted]). If your gown stays on all night, we know you weren’t successful ([redacted] , but wear them to Sunday morning brunch, full of jungle juice and semen stains.
We will start playing drinking games and other stuff around 9 a.m. (although [redacted] will already be passed out drunk by then) so you’re welcome to come over and hang out a bit before we really start to rage. Plus, jungle juice aka “pussy juice” is for ladies only and anyone seen drinking it will be forced to lick it. [redacted]’s big red bush. Be a man, drink a beer, THIS IS MERIQUE (this also applies to all fat Canadians, [redacted]). The official toga party rules have been passed down from generation to generation and can be found below along with the invitation that we can only describe as classic … BTW, rule # 4 is the most important, so be sure to help your brothers. Anyone could use a wet dick on Saturday and the freshman class looks pretty good, so let’s go. Grenades and landmines ARE NOT WELCOME – unless they give a good handjob, a blowjob or a brown job. If you don’t know what a Brun-job is, you can’t afford it.
Let’s go get LOKO. With that, we leave you with an old Chinese proverb:
Ice me once ashamed of me.
Ice me twice shame on you.
Ice me thrice puke on it [redacted].
Lots of love,
The [team] lodge
Following this invitation was, once again, the translation “chingadero” and the list of rules. It’s good to have traditions.
Now remember that these are party invitations. They are so long! They could have just made flyers that said, “Booze, Girls, Togas, Jizz Stains: [insert date, time and address here]”, and managed to get his point across. By the time they finally deliver the essential information on dates and times, a normal person would be bored even more to care.
BTW, does anyone know what “punani dollars” are? Are they more precious than the hours of Ithaca? [Images via Cornell University Website, Jesse 757/via Flickr]